Remember Romance? How to Keep your Marriage Alive After Children
You've been woken up three times in the middle of the night to nurse your newborn. You've spent the following day cleaning spit-up, walking in circles around your dining room table to get your baby to sleep. There are piles of laundry to be done. You have a meeting tomorrow that you have yet to prepare for, but that is critical to your career. So, how about a little sex?
If you are wondering how any mother could possibly be in the mood, given all of her responsibilities, then you have just realized the number one reason why having children can shut off the erotic switch and flip on the maternal switch. Sometimes playing both roles -- mother and lover -- can seem as though they are determinedly at odds with each other. And this transition from lover to mother can potentially lead to hurt feelings on the part of your spouse. As if you didn't have enough to worry about.
Fathers may feel left out in their new roles, especially if mothers are handling much of the parenting responsibilities. They may give up in their attempts to help out if you are constantly telling them that they aren't feeding the baby the right way or not diapering as you do. Mothers may feel like fathers are intruding at times in their relationship with their newborn, failing to see just how important fathers' roles are with children. What's a couple to do?
First of all, recognize that you are not alone. Most couples experience not only the challenges of moving from a couple to a family, but a lapse in their sex lives after baby arrives.
But just because you aren't doing it, doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it. Discuss your feelings with your spouse and your reasons for not feeling amorous rather than simply rejecting his nightly advances. Your child won't be an infant forever, and
eventually kids do sleep through the night and nurse less. And although your baby needs you 24-7, couples also need each other -- especially during times of stress.
The challenge of being a new parent is that you seldom have any time to be a couple. It seems as though your baby is attached to you day and night. So you have to be creative in thinking of times to just be a couple, without your little one in the middle. For some couples that means establishing a "date night." They put baby to bed, fix a dinner for two and spend time with each other. Other couples get a babysitter and go out to dinner or a movie. But if neither of these is feasible, can you spend an hour together while your baby naps in the afternoon? Can you take a walk with your baby in the stroller so that you have some talk time? Sex with a spouse you can't relate to is not as fulfilling as sex with your soulmate. Think big picture, not quickie. The point is that you don't want to have to reintroduce yourself to your spouse at your child's graduation from high school. Carve out couple time any way that you can. As one new father told me, "Every day my wife and I spend some time together. It may just be that I make a bowl of popcorn at night, after our baby is asleep and we just talk about what happened that day. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it's important to touch base every day, at least for a few minutes."
What if chasing toddlers all day has you too tired to stay up at night? Again, with a bit of planning (OK, so the spontaneity of your twenties may be gone for a while), you can have one parent cover baby duty on the weekend while the other one naps and gets caught up on rest. Some couples switch off, with one parent getting up early with the kids on Saturdays and the other parent covering on Sundays so each parent gets to sleep in on at least one weekend morning. Exhaustion and sleep deprivation are libido killers, so napping when you can or sleeping in can fortify your sex life -- not to mention your patience with the kids and your spouse.
It's hard to feel sexy while in mommy or daddy mode. For some couples, a weekend away helps them to remember who they were before they had kids. But you don't need to escape your home responsibilities to enhance your couple time. Focus on things you admire about each other. Put on music other than Raffi when you are together. Set the stage for romance, not parenthood. Think less about the inevitability of being interrupted and more about being in the moment. Remember that nighttime may be the worst time to try and rekindle your relationship. If you are way too spent by then, be honest with your spouse and think of a time of day where you will be more energized and eager for romance.
As children get older, it is important that they see their parents as loving role models that they may model their relationships after. When they see you spending time together as a couple, they realize the importance of the friendship aspect of a love relationship.
Respect is more than taking into consideration what your partner wants in bed; it is also realizing that you need to share in parenting and running the household on a day-to-day basis. As one married man put it, "If I want my wife to be in the mood later on that night, I had better spend the day loading the dishwasher and doing the laundry." Now there's a husband who gets the big picture. Sex is every bit about beds, as well as dishes and changing diapers and all that goes into running a home and maintaining a family.
Complimenting each other, holding hands, and laughing together should all be part of every day as well. Being lovers is part of a big picture that is a whole lot more than just sex. It encompasses communication, respect and patience, pitching in and helping out, maintaining the friendship that is the basis of all good love relationships between couples.
You don't have to trade all of that in once you have children. Of course, it gets tricky at times when parenting takes so much time and energy. As long as parents make sure that they take the time to still relate to one another as more than mommy and daddy but as husband and wife, their relationship can be enhanced instead of compromised.
Four Quick, Romantic Dates
1. Steal time for sunrise.
Evenings too hectic for a romantic sunset viewing? Set an early alarm and share your favorite breakfast treat.
2. Have a wine tasting.
Plan to each pick out a bottle on your way home from work. Then, take a half hour to sample them.
3. Exchange back rubs.
Try this first thing in the morning or as the last thing at night. Use it as a chance to talk -- but, make work / kids off limits!
4. Plan a vacation.
Research where you'd stay, what you'd eat. Even if you don't go, dreaming is half the fun!
Mind Your Peas and Cukes: Dealing with a Picky Eater
You may remember the good old days when your nine-month-old happily devoured pulverized peas, carrots and green beans. Now that your formerly cooperative baby has reached toddler status, it seems meal times have become a battle. One day, yogurt is yummy; the next, it's flung on the floor. But before you pull your hair out, remember that being picky about food is normal for young children, and not something to stress about.
"It is extremely common for children between the ages of one and five," says pediatrician Dr. Larry Rifkin, who is affiliated with the St. Francis Hospital and Medical Center in Hartford, Connecticut.
Rifkin says it's always good for your doctor to rule out any rare medical or social problems associated with picky eating. But once that's looked at, parents should approach the problem in a non-confrontational way, and realize that there's not much that can be done.
Once children learn to walk on their own, their newfound independence works its way into other parts of their lives. While their parents dictate their every move, children quickly learn that if they say no to a certain food there's not much mom or dad can do about it. They're likely testing your reaction to that independence more than they've actually determined they don't like a certain food anymore.
It's also important to remember that while it may seem that your toddler or preschooler eats very little, they're probably getting just what they need, according to Holyoke Medical Center Registered Dietician Theresa McAndrew.
"Don't look at it on a day-by-day basis," McAndrew advises. "Look at it on a weekly basis."
So if your child doesn't eat dinner one night, they will probably make up for it by eating a little more than normal another day.
Dr. Rifkin says parents don't realize how much growth slows down after the first year. In that first year, a baby gains, on average, 15 pounds. But after that, four or five pounds a year is normal.
"All we need to do is look at the scale," to see if the child is growing as normal, he says. Dr. Rifkin says it's more important to look at the variety of foods a child eats than the volume.
Once you realize you have a true picky eater on your hands, try to determine what makes them not want to eat. Children all have different issues with food, so you will need to cater your response to those issues to each child.
Some children get overwhelmed when too much food is presented to them. Often, parents don't realize how little young children actually need to feel full, and to get the nutrients they need. McAndrew and Dr. Rifkin both advise offering several smaller meals throughout the day in this case.
